Consultation

Today I had a consultation with a psychologist. I had initially booked myself in for an assessment, however changed my mind for three reasons: [1] the appointment would be sooner, [2] it was $680 cheaper, and [3] I was unsure as to whether a full assessment was necessary.

I sat with him for an hour, explaining what my childhood and adolescence were like and why I'd come to see him now. We talked theories, clinical signs, what I could do well and what I struggled with. He ran a couple of preliminary tests, and they indicated that I was kinda halfway, not in one camp or the other. The end result was actually exactly what I'd expected but not what I'd hoped for. I left with all my intuitive beliefs confirmed, but without a proper resolution.

Turns out I have a number of traits of Asperger's Syndrome, however they are presently subclinical. Had I gone for this assessment 20 years ago, the results would more likely have been conclusive. Asperger's doesn't just appear out of nowhere - it tends to be present from birth. The major difference between now and then is, I've learnt a whole range of social skills, and therefore have enough Theory of Mind to survive and thrive in social situations.

Damn.

What I wanted was something definitive, pushing one way or another. I wanted some deep-seated issues to be brought to the surface so that I could deal with them directly, and begin to feel, well, normal. Instead, I've become so adept at functioning in public life through repeated exposure that not only can I get along well around others, but I've turned it into a great personal strength such that I now teach those skills to people.

I've learnt to act so well that often I feel a strong obligation to continue the performance, by spending all my time around people. I've managed to convince myself that this 'tethers' me to the world so that I don't retreat completely inside my own mind. I still do that to an extent, and am easily (and constantly) worn out by social situations, but still I do it, day in day out.

My most recent learning (yes, it took me a long time to come to this) was that I don't need to be around people so much. I've grown to think myself both invaluable to them and they so intrinsic to my survival. that I need constant contact. Since I began acting as if I had Asperger's I've been spending more time by myself, politely denying company in favour of solitude. Not overly so, but definitely more than usual. And I love it!

So maybe that's the next step. Act as if. I've been doing that my whole life around other people, so perhaps it's time to do it with myself. Tricky tricky, but I'm sure I can rise to the challenge. I've been pushing myself hard continuously since near the end of high school, so this shouldn't be any different. Except maybe it'll make things a lot easier for me.

It's a wonderful thing, to know you can relax in your own skin. I've always been quirky, and this seems like the prime time to allow myself to tone down the moderating of that in public. Watch this space!

-J