Storytime

It's been great having a few days off work. There has been plenty of time to write a short story. Of course, there have been lots of other things going on, such as three entire days with family (it is, y'know, Christmas an' all), but I've managed to stay fairly focused.

The story is a backstory for one character who has eluded me for quite some time. In my story there are five protagonists: the first story features Omry and Alice primarily with Kaine and Fate being secondary, the second story brings all four as main characters, and the third book really brings Maxi into the picture, who has been a side character up until then. I'm writing Maxi's backstory.

Maxi is a confusing character to write for, because she is quite a strong figure yet has no direct ambitions. She is the only one not striving for anything. She simply wants to be. the purpose of writing her backstory (instead of anything else) was to help me understand how she came to be the way she is, what challenges she has faced (she's also the most reticent character), what she has learnt, and most importantly, what drives her. I think I've made good headway, and understand her a lot more now.

That's what I like to do with real people too: uncover their past to understand their present and judge their future. Without knowing where someone has come from and how they've arrived to right here right now, it's very difficult for me to feel connected to them. It's like they're two-dimensional. No, a better explanation is that they're only showing me a small corner of a jigsaw, and I don't have enough pieces to work from to begin reconstructing the rest of the puzzle.

My end game, my driver, is not to fully understand a person, or people in general. It is to glean as much as possible, and continue to search further, so that I can best approximate that. That's what ultimately pushes me to study people and be a part of a community, or even an interaction.

Writing that just now makes me sound clinical and detached. Sometimes I feel that way, which is why I keep scrying to reveal more, to be illuminated about the human condition so that I make sense of my own. Which is why I write, really. Each of those five characters above is a part of me. I've just separated them so I can better gt to know them, and in turn, get to know myself.

-J

Break

I packed up the excess papers at my desk today. It's been a stressful period with reporting requirements, data entry and taking on other people's work. not to mention, my line of work isn't exactly the most straight-forward nor emotionally void. My brain was buzzing, mildly throbbing from the 

I walked down the corridor, stopping by other offices to send festive cheer and such. 'Most everyone had gone, so I descended the stairs for the last time in a while. I opened the front door, stepped outside, paused for a moment longer than was necessary, then closed the door behind me.

Walking down the driveway, and then the street, my headache began to dissipate slowly. By the time I'd walked home it had gone completely. The thought of not being at work is filling me with immense joy.

As I messaged a friend on the walk home, "My job has two parts - seeking out and trying to define a non-descript Quality, and rushing to stay on top of an ever-increasing Quantity." Half of the time I love it, as it fills me with a sense of wonder, excitement, purpose and drive. Other times it's a bewitching bitch. My feelings towards it fluctuated many times within the day, and even on weekends.

I really need this break. Frankly i deserve it. Let's see what the holiday season brings, ey?

-J

Surf

Perhaps this is the most appropriate time to start a new journal, when the tide is highest.

I'm riding out the end of one giant wave, and already preparing myself for the next series of waves which are inevitably to follow. The past few months have been highly tense between my brother and I, and that has rippled out to affect the entire family. He has accused me of doing (and not doing) things, and I disagree with his view on this. We've reached a point where reconciliation is not possible at this moment, and though he continually pushes for this (admittedly he wants me to defect, not to reach a compromise or middle ground) I have had to set quite strict boundaries in order to prevent our relationship from completely deteriorating.

My brother has his counsellor, my parents and I have our family counsellor, and I'm in the process of finding one for myself. Add to this the fact that I work as a counsellor full-time and you have a lot of introspection and emotionality going on. My brother's attacks on my character, as well as my defences against these, have worn me out. I'm struggling to maintain balance and division between the professional and personal elements of my life.

As the storm clouds loom overhead, the waves become choppier and the water churns inexorably. The currents run against each other, swirling around, creating an eddy. As the waters swirl faster and faster a whirlpool begins to appear, sinking into the inky blackness of the water below.

Everything kept hidden underneath, plain to see, is becoming exposed. Panic attacks have taken on an element of total meltdowns. Dissociations have re-emerged for the first time in many years. Tried-and-true strategies for keeping myself upright and functional have begun to lose their power.

All of this suggests a devolvement, an ana-lysis in the literal sense. Ultimately, it hints at a new me being created from the pieces of the puzzle that is me, as it is slowly torn apart. Time for reinvention. Time for a new outlook on life.

Time to record that process as I'm flooded with something new to wash away the old.

-J