Surf

Perhaps this is the most appropriate time to start a new journal, when the tide is highest.

I'm riding out the end of one giant wave, and already preparing myself for the next series of waves which are inevitably to follow. The past few months have been highly tense between my brother and I, and that has rippled out to affect the entire family. He has accused me of doing (and not doing) things, and I disagree with his view on this. We've reached a point where reconciliation is not possible at this moment, and though he continually pushes for this (admittedly he wants me to defect, not to reach a compromise or middle ground) I have had to set quite strict boundaries in order to prevent our relationship from completely deteriorating.

My brother has his counsellor, my parents and I have our family counsellor, and I'm in the process of finding one for myself. Add to this the fact that I work as a counsellor full-time and you have a lot of introspection and emotionality going on. My brother's attacks on my character, as well as my defences against these, have worn me out. I'm struggling to maintain balance and division between the professional and personal elements of my life.

As the storm clouds loom overhead, the waves become choppier and the water churns inexorably. The currents run against each other, swirling around, creating an eddy. As the waters swirl faster and faster a whirlpool begins to appear, sinking into the inky blackness of the water below.

Everything kept hidden underneath, plain to see, is becoming exposed. Panic attacks have taken on an element of total meltdowns. Dissociations have re-emerged for the first time in many years. Tried-and-true strategies for keeping myself upright and functional have begun to lose their power.

All of this suggests a devolvement, an ana-lysis in the literal sense. Ultimately, it hints at a new me being created from the pieces of the puzzle that is me, as it is slowly torn apart. Time for reinvention. Time for a new outlook on life.

Time to record that process as I'm flooded with something new to wash away the old.

-J